Ally McBeal >

The unisex. Nelle is looking at herself in the mirror, adjusting her bun. She hears a toilet flush and looks puzzled. JOHN enters the unisex.

JOHN (showing his remote flusher): I like a fresh bowl.
NELLE: I understand.
JOHN: You're enjoying yourself so far ?
NELLE: Oh yeah! I am actually, yeah, it's a nice group. (she applies lipstick, JOHN looks at her and hears Boom boom boom, boom boom boo doom)
NELLE: John ? Can I ask you something ?
JOHN: Sure
NELLE: Are you... drawn to me ?
JOHN (stutters Poughkep...) : What ? (he accidentally pushes the button on the flusher and the toilet flushes again). Why would you ask that ?
NELLE: Sometimes women have intuitions about these things.. Plus Richard told me.
ALLY enters the unisex.
NELLE: I have certain rules about dating men I work with. But I make them up as I go along. (She leaves).
ALLY: It's official. I hate her.

John enters Richard's office and slam the door behind him.

JOHN: Did you tell Nelle Porter I was drawn to her ?
RICHARD: Yes. Sorry. Bygones.
JOHN (putting a part of his jacket over his head) : Unacceptable ! What I tell you I have an expectation of privacy !
RICHARD: John, which is why I'm apologizing. Bygones squared.
JOHN (putting now all his jacket over his head, covering it up completely): NO !
RICHARD: John, you know who Harold Wick is, Chop-chop on the airways, of course you know him.
JOHN (from behind the jacket): He's vulgar.
RICHARD: We're also suing him, Nelle's client, extremely hot copy , we have an excellent chance to boost our profile and erode the first amendment in the process. It's not often we get a case where principle coincides with profits, I'm not about to take timeout just because I breached some little trust thing you and I've got going. We're late for staff meeting. Off we go ! (Richard leaves)
JOHN is peering an eye through the jacket.

Opening Credits.

Staff meeting in the conference room.

BILLY: Wait, wait just a second, this woman...
NELLE: Her name is Ling.
BILLY: Ling... She's the plant manager.
RICHARD: Yes.
BILLY: Suing Harold Wick, the guy on the radio ?
RICHARD: Yes.
BILLY: Does Harold Wick have anything to do with this manufacturing plant ?
RICHARD: No.
BILLY: Then how ? What am I missing ?
NELLE: He broadcasts a sexually charged program, contributing to sexually charged working environments all over, especially places like manufacturing plants, dominated by male workers with the IQ of meat.
GEORGIA: We're... We're suing a radio personality for contributing to sexual harassment at a steel plant ?
NELLE: Exactly.
BILLY and GEORGIA laugh
BILLY: That is... I'm sorry, I'm sure you're a good attorney, but as a cause of action that is laugh out loud ridiculous !
NELLE: Great ! It's always more fun when I give a cute guy a giggle as I go about my business. I could actually use another body on this, could you jump in ?
GEORGIA (angry): No ! (she sees them looking all at her and calms down) You have that.. that motion to compel on Roberts !
RICHARD: Ally will do it.
ALLY: What ?
RICHARD: John's on trial, Georgia's second chair, I'm in charge, that leaves ... you. We all have work. Let's move ! (he leaves the meeting, as do JOHN, BILLY and GEORGIA)
NELLE (to ALLY): I'll get you the file.
ALLY: F.. Fine.

In the entrance of the office of Cage & Fish, LING is walking behind ELAINE.

LING: I'm looking for Nelle Porter, could you help me please ?
ELAINE: Well her office is..
LING: I've tried her office she wasn't there, hence my need for help. Have I come to the wrong person ?
ELAINE: You would be her... closest friend ?
LING: I'm a client.
NELLE (arriving): Ling !
LING: Oh Nelle ! (they kiss on the cheeks). I am extremely anxious.
NELLE: We'll get through !
LING: And now we're facing him, and why have you switched firms, you know how I am with change !
NELLE: Everything will be fine.
LING: I.. I'm very anxious, I'm..
NELLE: Ling, it's just a deposition. Relax.
LING (looking at Elaine looking at her) :Maybe it's just too much newness...

Court room. Man testifying. JOHN and GEORGIA at the defendant's table.

RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: It was our anniversary so I wanted everything special that's why I took her to a French restaurant. We ordered the Chef's menu thing.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY : Chef's menu ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: It's a set thing, fishy cold soup, foil grass, stuff you wouldn't order in a million years.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: Did they tell you what you're eating, when they serve it ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: Well it's more tasty in French, so we didn't really ask. French fries is good, but pommes frites ? We didn't really press them on the translation.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: But eventually you did, press them ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: On the meat, yes. It was so good, I said I gotta know what kind of cut this is. That's when they told me.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: What was it ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: Horse.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: Horse ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: As in trigger, as in secretarial. They served me and my wife Mr. Ed !
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: What happened when they told you what you'd just eaten ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: I became nauseous, as did my wife.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: Were there any other consequences for you and your wife, besides nausea ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: We suffered sleeplessness, even depression. We're both animal lovers, horse lovers in particular. The idea that we ate one...that repulsed us. Still does.
(Noises of horses galloping - Everybody looks at the defendant's table where JOHN stops a recording).
JOHN: I apologize. One of my props went eerie.

Cage & Fish entrance. Two men get out of the elevator (one of them is Harold Wick). Harold Wick bumps into Elaine.

HAROLD WICK: I am so sorry !
ELAINE: That's all right. Oh, you're Harold Wick ! I'm Elaine Vassal, I'm a huge fan ! Although I should say it quietly since my office is suing you.
HAROLD WICK: I understand.
HAROLD WICK’S ATTORNEY: We're here for the deposition.
ELAINE (gesturing but still looking at HAROLD WICK): Yeah, it'll be in the conference room. May I just say, on your show, you talk about women as if they're all cheap. You see, my entire life, I've been cheap, and it wasn't until I listened to your show that I realized I wasn't alone in the world.
HAROLD WICK: Oh, well, I'm happy to have helped.

Courtroom, same man testifying, JOHN is cross-examining

JOHN: D'you like horses ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: Very much.
JOHN: Found the meat to be delicious, even ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: I don't like eating it it's perverse.
JOHN: You eat cows ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: That's different.
JOHN: Pigs ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: Yes but...
JOHN: Hand roasted Cornish game hens ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: Look, I'm not a vegetarian and I'm not against eating meat, but a horse, it's a noble beast !
JOHN: D'you ever go to the track ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: I've been.
JOHN: Ever screamed at a jockey to whip the noble beast you've bet to show ?
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: Objection !
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: I'm not gonna get into a cruelty debate. I'm sure we can all treat cats and dogs better than we do, but we'd never eat them. That should be the same for horses.
JOHN: Some people might like horse meat. Shouldn't it be the individual's choice ? Couldn't you just say "Ne" ?
RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: That's real funny. The point is, they didn't tell me. If they'd told me...
JOHN: You would have ordered the cow.

Deposition. Conference room at Cage & Fish. NELLE, ALLY and LING on one side of the table.

NELLE: And you would be aware of the male demographic make-up of your audience ?
HAROLD WICK: I really don't think in graphic terms. Well, sometimes (grins)...
NELLE: I suggest you'd answer the questions, Mr. Wick.
HAROLD WICK: I thought I did. By the way you didn't tell me your name ?
NELLE: I think I did.
HAROLD WICK: Oh that's right, you're Nelle. I like that, Nelle, sounds good and naughty... And you're Ling, and (looking at ALLY)... Who's the spinner ?
ALLY: Hey !
HAROLD WICK’S ATTORNEY: Harold !
NELLE: Do you think this is a game ?
HAROLD WICK: Of course it's a game ! Just because you're this hot little foreign number and you hired these two little nubile lawyers you think I'm gonna pop a chubby and give you my money ? Well, OK. What are you, Chinese?
NELLE: Mr. Wick !
HAROLD WICK’S ATTORNEY: Harold (same time)
HAROLD WICK: Lucky I took some Viagra with the Ibuprofen !
LING: You're the more violent person...
NELLE: Ling !
HAROLD WICK: Ma'am, I'm sure you're a nice person...
NELLE: You're not going to intimidate us, Mr. Wick.
HAROLD WICK: (to NELLE) Don't think that I don't know that ! I can't even look at you without seeing a whip ! (to ALLY) And you, I can't get a beat on. I just know that I'd like to take you home and make you my nasty little whore.

ALLY and NELLE enter the unisex.

ALLY: Don't you think by suing him that we're giving him exactly what he wants, I mean, this guy loves the publicity !
NELLE: Even so, we're doing what Ling wants.
ALLY: Come on Nelle, we're not gonna win this !
NELLE: Don't be so sure.
ALLY: Oh, oh.. Nelle, what.. what is a spinner ?
NELLE: I think it means... perky personality.

Downstairs bar. RICHARD and LING at a table. VONDA SHEPARD is singing.

LING: Where is she ? I'm very uncomfortable around new people.
RICHARD: She'll be here. Tell me, Ling, when you resort to these sexual harassment lawsuits, do you worry about coming on, say.. weak, vindictive, powerless, little ant who needs the special help ? It runs so contrary to your personality which seems .. vicious. (LING just looks at him). I'm just making conversation until... Nelle gets here.
LING: If you only knew the things that are said about me.
RICHARD: I bet I could guess.
NELLE (arriving): Hey !Sorry I'm late. What did I miss ?
RICHARD: Oh, nothing we're just chewing the baby fat.
LING: I don't like your new firm. The lawyers here are crazy and the singer bugs me.
NELLE: Come on, let's go back up to the office. (they both leave)

John Cage's office. He's reading papers, and then he pauses and he opens a drawer and takes out a stuffed horse and starts playing with it (making it gallop and making horse noises). ALLY enters and sees him.

ALLY: Umm.. Umm, John?
JOHN: Ally ! Hi ! (he hides the stuffed horse)
ALLY: What was that ?
JOHN: What ? (looks at her look, and takes out the stuffed horse) Oh, oh that, it's the monster debate for my trial. His name is Frowley, I used to make cut out dolls of the bullies at school, Frowley would kick them. He's a good horse.
ALLY: This case is upsetting you.
JOHN: Well, I think, I've always thought, we enjoy a special covenant with the horse. Carry us high as we ride into battle, and they won't eat you...
ALLY: Do you think Georgia should first chair ?
JOHN: No, actually, I would have been fine, but the plaintiff brought up Mr. Ed. Frowley and I used to watch that show together and.. Why am I telling you this ?
ALLY: Because you can. Remember when you're with me, it's the only time that you're not the strangest person in the room, so go ahead, get weird on me.
JOHN: I'm cross-examining this guy, and in my head, I'm thinking, what if Wilburn went into the barn one Thanksgiving and said "We have no turkey Ed, I'm sorry". Today it could happen. November, sweeps.
(ALLY has picked up Frowley and caresses it.)
ALLY: You remember the song ?
JOHN: Excuse me ?
ALLY (singing): A horse is a horse, of course, of course, And no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed (LING and NELLE peer through the door ajar and look at them bewildered - JOHN starts singing with ALLY) Go right to the source, and ask the horse, He'll give you the answer that you endorse (they are both pausing as looking for the rest of the lyrics), he always takes the steady course, Talk to Mister Ed. (JOHN sees LING and NELLE and stops singing, Ally has not seen them yet) I am Mister Ed ! (ALLY looks up from Frowley she's holding in her hands and sees LING and NELLE who enter the room. ALLY put Frowley back in John's hands).

Ally at home, the HAROLD WICK show is on TV. RENÉE and ALLY in the kitchen.

Caller on the show: But Harold, why does she sue you ?
HAROLD WICK: Why does she sue me, what's up America ? She sues me because anyone today with enough money to afford a lawyer can buy some fame. And you know what ? She'll get it. Especially since she got that slutty little Asian thing going, American men love that, don't we guys ? (blows a horn - Ally turns back to look at the TV horrified). Listen, no nuts, listen up America...
RENÉE (turns off the TV): I hate saying, he's a little bit right.
ALLY: What, that American men like slutty Asian women ?
RENÉE: He's right about her probably ending up on the cover of Time. It will sell better than some doctor curing cancer.
ALLY: You should see the way she dresses.
RENÉE: Who ?
ALLY: Ling. It's like "Look at my body now" !
RENÉE: "But just don't talk about it !"
ALLY: Exactly.
RENÉE: You know the men at the court house, clerks, and lawyers, and some of the judges even, they talk about your short skirts.
ALLY: They... they do ?
RENÉE: Isn't that why you wear them ?
ALLY: No. I want them to talk about my legs ! They do, don't they ?
RENÉE (not so sure): Oh yeah...

Court room. Restaurant's owner testifying.

Restaurant Owner: It's very low fat, it's high protein, it's probably better for you than Angus beef.
JOHN : But Mr. Handy, a horse ?
RESTAURANT OWNER: You know what, in Hindu, they probably have something to say about us eating cows.
JOHN : This is the United States of America.
RESTAURANT OWNER: In which there are many slaughter houses which produce horse meat. In Japan, they eat 'em raw, like sashimi.
JOHN : You don't think our equestrian friends deserve better than to be offered up on a plate with Caesar's...
RESTAURANT OWNER: Of course they deserve better. So does the pig.
JOHN: You sound annoyed. I mean surely you can appreciate this animal is revered in our country, I mean what if Elizabeth Taylor ate her horse in National Velvet ?
RESTAURANT OWNER: Are you sure she didn't ?
Judge: Mr. Handy, it would be a grave mistake to insult Elizabeth Taylor in my courtroom.
RESTAURANT OWNER: I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I'm on trial here. I'm spending my own money to defend against a suit based on blatant hypocrisy. That man isn't sick, he didn't suffer injury, we're all in this room because of a nausea, that it's unconscionable to eat a horse !

Cut scene. Attorney cross-examining now.

MR DALEY ATTORNEY: And to you, it's just perfectly OK ?
Restaurant Owner: We kill them for pet food, we turn horses into paint thinner for God's sake, what does that do to their nobility ?
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: Yes, but for pet food or paint thinners they can be euthanasied. But for human consumption the end has to be drug-free, right, which means slaughter.
RESTAURANT OWNER: Ah, well, if cruelty is the issue, that brings us right back to the cow and the pig.
MR DALEY ATTORNEY: You just don't seem to be too sympathetic on this at all, do you ?
RESTAURANT OWNER: If people don't want to eat it, they shouldn't order it. But I shouldn't be hold into a court room, for serving it.

Another courtroom, Harold Wick's attorney and Nelle in front of the judge. LING and Ally at one table, HAROLD WICK at another.

HAROLD WICK’S ATTORNEY: It's preposterous. Forget the issue of free speech and censorship, the idea that a radio personality can be sued for sexual harassment by someone he's never met or even talked about !
Judge: I must say, miss Porter, your client does not work for Harold Wick, this man has no connection with the steel plant, what possible duties does he have to ensure against any discrimination that goes on there ?
NELLE: Your Honor, it was once held that tobacco companies had no duty to people who didn't use their products. Until it was determined that non smokers were also being hurt, and the law changed. Our theory is basically the same as second hand smoke. What he's putting out is finding its way into the workplace.
Judge: Second-hand smoke ?
NELLE: We go after car companies for polluting the air. This man is syndicated on more than 300 stations. He goes on daily talking about women's body parts, saying God made females to be sex slaves.
Judge: We call it free speech.
NELLE: Yes. And the courts are willing to clap down of free speech when it causes oppression and discrimination.
HAROLD WICK’S ATTORNEY: This stretches the scope of sexual harassment to absurdity !
NELLE: I'm not so sure. Under the law right now you can sue an employer for playing Mr. Wick's broadcast in the workplace. It's not even a question. What we're saying in our complaints, even though these broadcasts aren't actually being played at my client's steel plant, this man is so pervasive and popular, that things he says are coming inside just the same.
HAROLD WICK’S ATTORNEY: So the court should just get in there and legislate the content of radio programs ?
NELLE: Nope. He should be able to say whatever he wants. But if it results in discrimination or hostile work environment, he should simply be held accountable.
Judge: How would you ever prove that what he says on the radio affects what the men think and say at that manufacturing plant ?
NELLE: Maybe I couldn't. But that's a question for the jury. Not the judge.

Ally's office. She is sitting at her desk, holding her head in both her hands. Elaine walks by and sees through the door, walks past and comes back.

ELAINE (entering the office): What's wrong ?
ALLY : Nelle...
ELAINE: Don't tell me she's good !
ALLY : She's great ! She's poised, (raises her head, and while talking gets up) she doesn't pull at her hair, nothing comes out of her mouth that she doesn't want to come out, she doesn't over gesticulate, and she made a completely impossible cause of action seem totally believable. That bitch !
ELAINE: The judge didn't throw it out.
ALLY : He took it under advisement. We might even win !
ELAINE: Oh Ally ! I'm so sorry !

A room in Cage & Fish (maybe Richard's office). LING and RICHARD are in front of the TV watching HAROLD WICK being harassed by a horde of reporters.

Reporters: Harold, Harold... how do you think you'll win ?
HAROLD WICK: Well listen, truth be told, I don't really know what was said in there, the other attorney did most of the talking, and she was just so ... yummy (laughs from the reporters, RICHARD looks happy, LING is annoyed) All I wanted to do was bite her (more laughs, RICHARD turns off the TV).
LING: Part of me wants to sleep with him. Cause I know if I did, I'd kill him.
RICHARD: Ouch.
LING: Where is Nelle ? She says she's going to meet me places and I always get stuck with you.
RICHARD: Terrible, I know. Is that on your neck... ? (he touches her waddle) Oh Chinese waddle... (She slaps him) Bygones !
LING: You're a man without any nice qualities as far as I can see. With a funny name, Fish.
RICHARD: Sticks and stones, Liiinggg. When I first saw you, you know what I was thinking ?
LING: What ?
RICHARD: Nothing. You made no impression at all.
LING: When this case is over, I promise, I'll be taking my business elsewhere.
RICHARD: No you won't. I can tell. (He leaves)

Apparently late in the office. NELLE is going up the stairs. John is walking in circles bare feet. She sees him.

NELLE: Ah. What are you doing ?
JOHN: Oh, I... I'm just working on my closing. It's the first draft and I... I just get a better feel with bare feet
NELLE: Umm.
JOHN: Have you ever had horse meat ?
NELLE: Oh, thanks, but I've actually already had dinner. Maybe another time.
JOHN: Fine.
NELLE: I'm free Thursday night, how about Thursday ?
JOHN: Thursday ? That would... that would be good.
NELLE: Good.

John, still walking bare feet, broad daylight.

GEORGIA: Ready ? (Noticing the bare feet) You're still working on your first draft ?
JOHN: Georgia, I think I may need you to close.
GEORGIA: I.. I haven't even questioned a witness, the jury doesn't know me !
JOHN: Well, you've been in court.
GEORGIA: You can't just drop this mission the last second, you...
JOHN: I can do this ! I'm not invested...
GEORGIA: Wait a second. You've defended criminals, murderers even, you can't defend a restaurant that serves horse meat ?
JOHN: I know it sounds silly, but it is as if I hear voices in there (tapping his temples with both his forefingers) telling me not to do this.
GEORGIA: What kind of voices ?
JOHN: I'd rather not say.
GEORGIA: John, the law is completely on your side. And it would be conspicuous for you not to get up. It could even be malpractice. Come on, we gotta go. (she gets out, JOHN stands there, Ally is at the door)
ALLY: Is it Frowley ?
JOHN: Excuse me ?
ALLY: The voices ? Is Frowley telling you not to do this ?
JOHN: Frowley's not even speaking to me.
ALLY: Then who ? What voices ?
JOHN: I'm afraid if I tell you I would.. win back the reputation of strangest one in the room.
ELAINE (entering the office): Here she is. Ally, I have Nelle and vicious Ling (LING is next to her). They say the judge is coming back with the ruling.

Court room for LING.

Clerk: All rise (they do - Judge enters)
Judge: Nice little turn up ! (the room is packed)
Clerk: Be seated (they sit)
Judge: It is heartening to see the community takes such an interest in our Constitution. The sexual harassment claim is dismissed. (crowd gasps, HAROLD WICK is happy) As a matter of law I find it untenable that a radio talk show host could be held liable for employmental discrimination at a place where he does not work. However, the complaint also alleges negligent inflection of emotional distress... That one... is tricky. Free speech is not always protected. Bottom line, if it is foreseeable that some product you put out there is capable of causing harm, liability is right around the corner. Lawsuits have been brought against Hollywood movies. The talk show ? It's likely next.
Harold Wick's attorney: This is the most slippery of slopes ! If you...
Judge: No question, and the jury is free to say, We value free speech over the possible harm it causes, but let's all face the fact here ! Mr. Wick isn't out there throwing out ideas and political content for the most part, it's propitious, tickling radio sex talk (HAROLD WICK is checking out the legs of the 3 women sitting at the plaintiff's table) and for the young at mind. It demeans women systemically. I realize that 9 out of 10 judges might dismiss this claim, unfortunately Mr. Wick, you got me (crowd gasps again). Motion to dismiss denied.
ALLY (quietly): Oh my God !
LING: (to NELLE) Thank you ! (to Ally) Thank you Ally !
ALLY: I didn't do anything !
LING: Yes you did ! The judge got mad at him, you dressing up like this baiting him to call you a spinner, it worked! Genius ! (she hugs ALLY)
ALLY: Well, I'm glad to do my part ! (she looks down at her skirts)

On TV. Richard's office. NELLE, RICHARD and LING.

Karen (in a street): The ruling has sent shock waves through all media circles, Michael.
Michael (in studio): Karen, what kind of precedent does this set ? I mean, is Rush Limbaugh next ?
Karen: Well first keep in mind that this is just one state court ruling and it's certainly to be appealed. And anyone suing Rush Limbaugh would be hard pressed to prove that people might take him seriously.
RICHARD (during her talk): Cage & Fish, just say the name, Cage & Fish, Cage & Fish, Cage & Fish...
Karen: Reporting live from outside the law offices of Cage & Fish, I'm Karen...
RICHARD (turning off the TV) : Yes ! Yes ! Good report. Well Ling, congratulations, I don't have the words.
LING: Yes.
RICHARD: So ? What do we do now ?
NELLE: We dismiss.
RICHARD and LING: What ?!?
NELLE: We wanted to get the guy. We get him best, we're getting out while we're ahead.
LING: I want money !
RICHARD: Me too !
NELLE: You'll never get it. They'll never settle, they can't on principle, and on appeal we lose. Our case is basically right around the First Amendment.
LING: But why just give up ?
NELLE: Our goal is to get even. In victory we have credibility. Now we make the First Amendment our best friend in life. (she smiles)
LING: What are you talking about ?
NELLE (leaving the room): I need to draft a statement, I'll be back.
LING: Don't leave me alone with... him. (to Richard) Alone again, you and me. You probably feel special.
RICHARD: Ling, anyone with you is alone.

Court room. Closing arguments of the horse meat case.

MR DALEY ATTORNEY: Decent people don't eat horses. Sure you can talk about the cows, and the pigs, and the chickens, and the hypocrisy of it all, and cry why should horses be different ? But they are different. They are companion animals and they are different. If you ever stood up close to a horse, it's a proud animal. It's an animal seemingly with a capacity for integrity, with a capacity for not only serving mankind, but oddly, wanting to. And there's a dignity about them. A dignity. We should at least honor that in the end. (he sits down – Everybody is waiting for JOHN to rise then a few seconds later JOHN stop thinking and gets up)
JOHN: This case isn't about horses, it's about people. This person over here is suing this person over here. It's people. And people eat animals. You might not like it, but the Constitution doesn't start off "We the Horses". Animals don't get rights. We're not expected to rise to some level of decency when it comes to livestock. Not expected to have feelings for them and why should we ? They taste good. This thing about decency, you have to stop it. Because next, they'll go after the hAllyurger. If you attack horse meat on grounds of decency, I promise you, the hAllyurger will be next. It would be unavoidable. Because if you've ever been in a slaughter house if you've seen what happens to those cows, you'd know that decency will spell the end of an American institution, and the sausage will be next. And then the chicken wing. We the People eat animals. And we're not decent about it. My client is human, he's also American, and in this country we have another credo which is innate to us all, as long as folks keep consuming it, don't blame the guy who serves it up ! Plaintiff's counsel says we should allow the horse to keep his dignity in the end. We're human beings. (takes out a bottle from his jacket inside pocket) This is glue. (He leaves the bottle in front of the jury and sits down).

Press conference.

LING: we're grateful to the court for the validation, and to the public for its support. The reason I've decided to dismiss this claim, and you'll have to forgive me for not going into detail, it appears that certain physical or psychological dysfunctions may be the root of Mr. Wick's compulsion to fixate on sexual content. I feel it would be wrong for me to exploit any of his medical inadequacies or conditions. Suffice it to say, in light of this new information, I bear no ill-will towards Mr. Wick and I wish him well.
(Reporters go crazy.)
NELLE: I'm sorry, that's all, the suit has been dismissed.
Reporter: Have you learnt that he's impotent ? Is that it ?
NELLE : I'm not gonna parch this statement.

At the offices.

RICHARD: That was the dirtiest pool to its deepest depth, and you did it looking like you took the high road, it's a treat to watch you work Nelle, that was worthy of an earth worm.
NELLE: Thanks.
ALLY: But we have no information that he's impotent.
NELLE: So ?
ALLY: So ? So what if he turns around and sues us, this man's entire career is predicated by his erection !
NELLE: We didn't say he was impotent.
ALLY: Well you certainly implied it.
NELLE: Well he said something about taking Viagra with Ibuprofen.
ALLY: That was a joke !?
NELLE: Depends on how you interpret it. If we made a mistake, oopsy ! He's a public figure, he can't get us for being negligent. He's got to prove reckless disregard for the truth, he can't. I told you, in the end, the First Amendment's our buddy.
RICHARD: Dirty, ugly, I could kiss you ! I could almost kiss you (to LING) !
LING: But you won't !
ALLY: You know what ? I think what you did stinks. It was dishonest.
LING: No more dishonest than you pretending to be a spinn...
ALLY (shouting): I'm not a spinner !
LING: Bite my head off ! I still hate this firm ! (she gets up and leaves)
RICHARD: Come on, let's go the bar, celebrate !

Ally enters the unisex. John is doing his dismount and pushes her into a toilet bowl, and the flush goes on.

JOHN: Oh !
ALLY: You knocked me into the toilet !
JOHN: I was just practicing my dismount...
ALLY: You're gonna kill somebody someday !
JOHN: I'm sorry...
ALLY: (she turns around and lifts her jacket, which edge is soaked : her skirt is soaked also): Look at me !
JOHN: Oh.
ALLY: I was just thinking how this place is going down the toilet and then... then boom, I'm going down too !
JOHN: What do you mean we're going down the toilet ?
ALLY: Are you really gonna date her ?
JOHN: Well... I sort of committed to Thursday. Plus, you know, I...
ALLY: You're drawn to her !
JOHN: I never meant to date her, One minute I was practicing my summation, the next I... You really don't like her ?
ALLY: I don't know, it's just that I'm worried about this place becoming something different.
ELAINE (coming in): Ally, I have news. The producer of the Harold Wick show just called.
ALLY: What ? Is he suing ?
ELAINE: No, he's inviting you to be a guest on the show tomorrow.
ALLY: I beg your pardon ?
ELAINE (looks thrilled): He wants you ! Probably to engage you in some cheap sex talk !
ALLY: Pff...
ELAINE: Shall I tell him yes ? Or shall I pass him to Nelle ?
ALLY: You tell him... (thinks) I'll do it.
ELAINE (surprised): You will ?
ALLY: Yeah, sure. I'll do it.
ELAINE (looks even more thrilled): You could get creamed !
ALLY (to JOHN who looks puzzled): You only die once.

In the Harold Wick show's room (looks a lot like the Harold Stern show, by the way !) Ally is getting make up.

ALLY: I thought this was just radio.
Producer: Well it goes out on cable now. You want some water, soda ?
ALLY: I'm fine.
Producer: We start in about... ten minutes.
ALLY (pushing away the make up guy and like she's talking to herself): And what, does he just come down at the last second and plop down ?
Make-up guy: Pretty much. He doesn't like the guest to get too comfortable (starts making up Ally again).
ALLY: What a shock !

Cage & Fish. RICHARD, NELLE and ELAINE going down the stairs and walking fast.

RICHARD: She's doing what ?
ELAINE: Harold Wick. Now.
NELLE: Why ?
ELAINE: Why not ? I've always wanted to do him, but I have a rapier rate more suitable for the program.
NELLE: But it doesn't make sense ! Appearing on the show is the equivalent of endorsement !
ELAINE: This may be true, but if we keep talking we'll miss it !

JOHN's office. He's at his desk. GEORGIA comes at the door.

GEORGIA: Hey !
JOHN: Hey !
GEORGIA: Closing turned out to be pretty good, John.
JOHN: Thank you.
GEORGIA: The spirit of it, however, I'm not so sure it was in our client's interest.
JOHN: I'm not billing him for my spirit.
GEORGIA: I hope we don't lose. Cause that summation could give him grounds for a new trial.
JOHN: That would have been very clever of me, wouldn't it ? (GEORGIA leaves)

The Harold Wick show. Background credit music. This whole scene is difficult to describe because it goes between the show, the room in Cage & Fish where NELLE, RICHARD, ELAINE and BILLY watch, and RENÉE and ALLY's flat where RENÉE watches.

Producer: 3...2...1... We're on !
HAROLD WICK: I've been sued, everybody knows I've been sued ! What everybody doesn't know, is how sexy and trashy looking all the lawyers are. So we're very lucky here to have Ally McBeal here for everybody to see. Hi Ally.
ALLY: Good morning.
HAROLD WICK: McBeal, McBeal, I keep thinking that probably growing up you were some Cub Scout Happy Meal ?
ALLY (laughs): Oh no !
HAROLD WICK: Well, beats having a brownie, I can tell you that. Let's talk about the case for a minute. Firstly, is there any way I could see you naked ?
ALLY: I.. I don't think so, Harold.
HAROLD WICK: That's what I thought you'd say. You have this phenomenal tight... your body... You know that ?
ALLY: I... I... I do.
HAROLD WICK: You work on it ?
ALLY: I do. (cuts to RENÉE smiling at her, proud of ALLY).
HAROLD WICK: I was sitting in court, and I was looking at you, and I was looking at Nelle (cuts to NELLE), by the way, Nelle's kind of naughty, ain't she ?
ALLY: I.. I... I don't know !
HAROLD WICK: Come on !
ALLY (almost laughing): I don't know !
HAROLD WICK: I was looking at you, and I was looking at Nelle, and I was thinking, have the two of you ever.. you know, together ?
ALLY: No, no, we're just... business associates.
HAROLD WICK: With that tight body of yours, and Nelle's nasty little...(cuts to ELAINE smiling), well, anyway, let's not go there. Let's talk law. Single, lawyer, beautiful, makes lots of money, I bet you can get laid anytime you want ?
ALLY : Pretty much. (cuts to RENÉE laughing and clapping)
HAROLD WICK: So then tell me about this press conference last night.
BILLY: Why is she doing this ?
RICHARD: You tell me ! You've known her the longest !
BILLY: It isn't Ally !
HAROLD WICK: A lot of people have been calling and they want to know about this sexual inadequacy thing. Have you been talking to my ex-wife ?
ALLY (nods): Yes... No, no...
HAROLD WICK: Come on !
ALLY: No.. no...
HAROLD WICK: Well my ex-wife used to say that having sex with me was kind of like being vaccinated (ALLY laughs). That hurt my feelings, because I always thought it was a great 3 seconds ! Then you guys go and hold a press conference !
ALLY: Well, Harold, see, the 3 of us were sitting there in court, trying to turn you on, and you just never made a move. We were hurt !
NELLE: Oh please !
BILLY: I don't understand this at all !
HAROLD WICK: Let's talk about those skirts you wear ? What's that all about ?
ALLY: Oh, you know, men are constantly trying to mentally undress me. I.. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all.
HAROLD WICK: Umm, baby come on over here and meet the big guy ! (blows a horn).
ALLY: Oh, no.. thanks anyway.

GEORGIA coming into JOHN's office. He's just sitting on the couch, his briefcase up on his knees, looking at nothing in particular.

GEORGIA: Jury's back ! Let's gallop ! (JOHN looks hurt by that) Sorry !

Court room

Judge: The jury has reached its verdict ?
Foreman: We have.
Judge: What say you ?
Foreman: In the matter of Daly vs. Paul's bistro, on the count of negligent infliction of emotional distress, we find in favor... of the defendant.
Judge: The jury is dismissed. Thank you for your service.
RESTAURANT OWNER (to JOHN): I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and say Thank you.
JOHN: Sometimes sentiment is just that mister Handy, and sometimes not.
RESTAURANT OWNER: But a cook is always a cook.
GEORGIA: Come on (JOHN opens his briefcase, there's Frowley, he pats him and closes the briefcase again).

HAROLD WICK show.

Voice over : And we're clear !
Producer (entering the room): Good job, (to Ally) you were great !
ALLY: Thanks.
HAROLD WICK: You were fabulous, actually. I was a little surprised you agreed to come on.
ALLY: Well, me too, really.
HAROLD WICK: Why did you come on ?
ALLY: Is anything off the record with you ?
HAROLD WICK (laughs): My public persona is my livelihood. Ally, what I do is not who I am.
ALLY: I.. I came... Well, what you do, I don't always like it. But it's at least presented in the form of entertainment. What we did at that press conference, below the belt. My coming on the show, maybe it took some of the air out of our show last night. Anyway, it was an experience ! (ALLY and HAROLD WICK are shaking hands)
HAROLD WICK: Ally, you're a great lady.
ALLY: Go easy on us ?
HAROLD WICK: Never !
ALLY: Umm (they laugh, she leaves).

Cage & Fish hall. LING with NELLE and RICHARD.

LING: The whole point was to make him suffer and she goes on the show charming. She was nice !
RICHARD: Some people can't help being nice. You know how it is...
NELLE: None of us knew she was going to appear, I...
LING: I had a sick feeling about this law firm from the beginning. I won't pay. (elevator opens and Ally gets out). Oh there she is, little Judas !
NELLE: So how do you go on that show and sucks away everything we've tried to...
ALLY: What we did last night was disgusting, Nelle. Sorry. Technically I didn't betray any confidence as in technically, I didn't do anything to undermine our client's case. And hey (to RICHARD), I extended the firm's 15 minutes, you gotta love that... (walks away to her office, slams the door shut. There's a knock, and hilw opening) Go to Hell !
JOHN (obviously trying his smile therapy): That was hurtful.
ALLY: John, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I.. I thought you were... Oh... Aie....
JOHN : I just want to say... Your concerns that this place might become something different ?
ALLY: Umm ?
JOHN: I share them.
ALLY: You do ?
JOHN: But as long as we have you, I know we'll keep what we have.
ALLY (almost crying): That might be the best thing anyone's ever said to me...
JOHN: In which case I'll leave on that note (he gets out, Elaine comes in with a bouquet of red roses)
ELAINE: They're for you, and nobody died !
ALLY: What ?
ELAINE (picking the card and handing it to ALLY): I picked at the card. To one classy broad, from Harold. Perhaps we have a new suitor ? (ALLY smiles, look at the note hiding it from ELAINE's eyes).

The bar downstairs. GEORGIA and BILLY at a table, RICHARD and LING dance, as do NELLE and JOHN. Ally arrives.

ALLY: Hey guys !
GEORGIA: A star is born !
ALLY: Thank you !
BILLY: Ally, in a million years...
ALLY: I know, I don't know what came over me. And you know what ? It didn't hurt ! (they laugh) (Ally notices the dance floor) Oh, look, what we've got going on up there ?
GEORGIA: I don't know, but it scares me a little.
NELLE (to JOHN): You can dance. I wouldn't have guessed.
JOHN: I'm a enigma.
NELLE: Yes you are (she takes her pin out of her hair-bun and let her hair fall. ALLY and GEORGIA gasp).
RICHARD: You can't deny you're having fun, LING.
LING: Yes I can (smiles)
GEORGIA and ALLY can't take their eyes off of NELLE's hair. (The movie-camera on ALLY).

End credits.